There are some fantastic things about living in East Asia - great food, good public transport, pretending you're a tourist and don't understand the language when you do something mildly illegal...
However, with release dates that often trail six months behind and the inability of people to hold their goddamn hidden cameras steady and tackle people getting up to go to the loo, being a gay woman who loves gay cinema can be a nightmare out here.
In fact, it's a nightmare in any country that has internet access, but where film distribution takes a month or two longer than the Land of the Free, or the Land of Fish and Chips.
Last Friday, Carol was released in America, and will hit cinemas all over the UK today:
Since competing for the Palme d'Or at Cannes, my blatantly slanted social media has been flooded with Cate Blanchett's perfect face, and this only seems to be getting worse.
I am now stuck with what could only be described as a perfect case of FOMO.
The internet is a great but vicious thing when you live outside of the Eurocentric bubble that your favourite news organizations and blogs report from.
So, in honour of gay women the world over who are currently pining over Rooney Mara and Cate Blanchett whilst ruing the day their mothers gave birth in the Southern Hemisphere, or encouraged them to go chasing their dreams on continents without the Obamas or Kate Middleton, here is a list of things to tide you over while you avoid the flood of reviews clogging up your various social media feeds.
The struggle is real.
1. Read The Price of Salt by Patricia Highsmith
I'd read it for that sultry original cover alone.
Published in 1953 under the pseudonym Claire Morgan due to the obvious lesbian content, The Price of Salt is about to be considered a piece of classic literature.
Highsmith was inspired to write the novel after seeing a blonde woman in a fur coat shopping in the department store she was working in back in 48'.
So go on, proclaim that "the book is always better than movie" and sulk with the novel instead.
2. Watch the new wordless trailer on repeat
Feel the tension.
Absorb Cate Blanchett standing in the snow.
3. And when you finish with that, go back and watch the original again
4. Then gush over adorable pictures of Cate Blanchett and Rooney Mara
You two, just stop.
5. And when you just can't take the fucking internet anymore...