Once Upon a Time: Why Can't Queer Women Stop Watching This Fucking Show!?

Posted by Tara G on

Without a doubt, Once Upon a Time is one of the most terribly written, plot-hole-ridden TV series of all time.

I mean, let's not mince words on this.

After a strong first season - driven by the central conflict between Regina Mills (then incumbent Mayor of Storybrooke, Evil Queen, and all around asshole) and Emma Swan (Bounty Hunter-cum-Sheriff of Storybrooke, Saviour of the Happy Endings) fighting over their adopted / biological son respectively - the show took a turn for the worse, quickly devolving into a ratings grabbing revolving door for every Disney character ever created:

However, despite the characters constant need to monologue about their next course of action, explain away Grand Canyon sized plot holes, and wigs that seem to get progressively worse each season, I just can't seem to stop watching it. 

And, I'm not alone.

Once Upon a Time seems to hold a special place in the hearts of queer women all over the globe, whilst simultaneously making us want to toss our TVs over our balconies.

We come back week after week, and here's why: 

First of all, you've got Regina Mills, Mayor of Storybrooke, Queen of the Power Suit / Dress...

GTFO, Alicia Florrick. You ain't got shit:


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...who also happens to be Regina Mills, Evil Queen...

...The Queen of Cleavage...

Yes, apparently Lana Parrilla's chest accessories have their own hashtag:

...but also just Regina Mills, maker of lasagna...

Is this excessive? It's excessive, isn't it? Fuck it, it's Lana Parrilla.


...and expert in looking flawless...


...who just so happens to share a son with Emma Swan, Bounty Hunter...

...Sheriff...


...BadAss...

"I may be blonde, but that doesn't mean I'm not good with power tools..."


"...or a smug AF grin..."


"...and also, let's not forget I can play OINTB...

...and purveyor of the guns show...

...who recently decided to raid the Evil Queen's closet and become Emma Swan, The Dark One...

"Who said grey was last season?"


...And Together, they have been dubbed #SwanQueen by the internet...



Which is essentially just a phrase to summarize five seasons worth of personal space fails...

"Oops, sorry, was I in your way?"





...making magic together...



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...raising a kid together...

#lesbianfamilygoals

 


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...and making completely necessary self-sacrifices for one another while their boyfriends stand idly by...

 

 

 



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So, NO. I have absolutely NO idea why queer women can't stop watching this fucking show.


Tara G is a jack-of-all-trades history graduate with a New Zealand accent. She has a penchant for beer, wandering and incessantly talking. 50% of the Bobo Academy BlogSquad. Currently based in Kyoto, Japan. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram.

 

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  • Despite all of these things which make for a very seductive temptation for any queer woman, I have finally earned my badge from SwanQueen Anonymous for not watching for a whole season and a half – not one episode I am proud to say. I am so done with the writers of this show. Season 1 I was willing to accept that MAYBE SOMEHOW the subtext was unintentional and they really didn’t see or pick it up while filming, season 2 I was ‘hmmm’, and since then I am unwilling to accept that it is anything by intentional, and their inability to admit that the subtext is there is what ticked me off enough to walk away…I am nobody’s toy to play with. It’s not even about SQ becoming canon, I never expected them to have the spine to try or Disney to agree. But to keep writing scenes and parallels and to keep using filming techniques usually reserved to convey potential romantic interest between characters and then to still keep denying subtext even exists…thanks, but no thanks. They are not getting ratings from me.
    What I am not even trying to stay away from is SQ fanfiction. Since I’ve found the Virtual Series it’s been a lot easier to not get tempted by the disaster this show has become. That and even a screen-cap of Emma and Hook closer than 3 feet from each other instantly cures me of any lapses in better judgement when I even think about maybe watching for Lana’s fantastic acting.

    Donoterase on

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